Book Review – what mothers do: especially when it looks like nothing

What Mothers Do--Especially When It Looks Like Nothing

Naomi Stadlen

I often contemplate the complex, bittersweet nature of modern motherhood.  So, when I discovered Naomi Stadlen’s book What Mothers Do: Especially when it looks like Nothing, I was certainly intrigued.  The summary states that amid today’s “Mommy Wars” (contradictory theories on how to raise children, and mothers who disagree on them), we often “lose sight of what mothers do on a day-to-day basis and how important these seemingly insignificant tasks are in shaping the lives of their young children”.   Stadlen asserts that a mothering lexicon needs to be created, as many mother’s don’t feel they are “doing anything”, when in fact they are “generously mothering”.  She declares that without positive terminology for everyday mothering tasks, mothers don’t take credit where they should.  For example, the two words negligent and overprotective indicate either too much or too little attention on the part of mothers.  There isn’t a word that exists for “protecting her child the right amount” – which would in turn help mothers everywhere feel like they were doing a good job.   

Stadlen conducted extensive interviews with mothers as research, and writes on subjects including “getting nothing done all day”, “being so tired I could die”, and “snapping at my partner” – sounds like a typical day to me!  Stadlen addresses a group of women who may have left their careers and co-workers in the “mainstream” for a “solitary journey” of staying at home with their babies.  She acknowledges that seeking out fellow mothers is sometimes more daunting than having a built in social network of co-workers. 

She describes how many modern mothers may be overwhelmed by the brave new world of mothering, as they may never have been exposed to child-tending before giving birth.  In today’s society, work and motherhood are segregated, while in the past, women would literally bring their babies to work, which created a community focused child-rearing system.  This also enabled non-mothers to learn about mothering before they actually had their own children.

One of the perfect examples Stadlen gives for illustrating what mothers do, but don’t realize, is grocery shopping.  Mothers (who have their babies and/or young children with them) have two jobs when at the store.  Not only is she shopping for food, she is “mothering” – which encompasses demonstrating “supermarket behavior” (choosing items, paying for them, etc.), showing personal values (calculating price), and how she relates to the checkout staff.  “Everything takes twice as long, and she has to keep switching her attention from the adult shopping world to the child world.  If we don’t recognize the mothering portion of the job, we can’t be pleased we have combined two jobs reasonably well, instead focusing on being annoyed with doing one job badly.” 

Stadlen’s call for a mothering lexicon is quite radical, since she’s effectively asking us to change the way we look at everything a mother does.  She is asking mothers everywhere to stop feeling responsible for “failures” (like babies not sleeping thru the night) and start realizing all of the positive actions mothers take naturally.  I love that she’s reaffirming what is a sometimes daunting, and exhausting life, and reminding mothers that the experience of motherhood is amazing work.  It seems so many books tell mothers what we "should" be doing, whereas this book acknowledges what we already do, that we may take for granted.

I wish I had this book in the early days of motherhood, when I was overwhelmed by a new world with a baby who mysteriously showed up without an instruction manual.  While I eventually found my confidence in my mothering skills, it wasn’t without the help of other mothers affirming my thoughts, and acknowledging the seemingly little tasks that filled my days were in fact significant.  I'd highly recommended this book for all new mothers, as well as for those of us moms who need a reminder of all the good we actually do.