Torn

I had forgotten the intensity of mothering a new baby.  There are these chaotic moments when the baby is crying, I'm dying for a drink of water, the phone is ringing, my Pre-K-er needs help in the bathroom, and suddenly I realize the dryer has been full of clean (and now extremely wrinkly) clothes for three days.  It just seems like nothing gets done, despite all my best efforts to keep me and the other humans alive and well.  Plus, between me and my three-year-old the raw emotion quotient can skyrocket, particularly on days when my husband - the XY equalizer - is traveling for work. 

I have wisened up from when my older daughter was an infant though.  This go-around the daily shower, the occasional western bacon cheeseburger, and online retail therapy are utterly non-negotiable.  I know I need these things as sure as air, water, and diet coke.  But other decisions seem less clear and rather nebulous. If I get a two-hour child-free window on Saturday afternoon, how do I spend it?  By myself on a run or just browsing a bookstore?  With a girlfriend for mental therapy?  Or with my husband, who it seems, I have not had a complete conversation with for a few months? There is so much to do when I get my brief, psuedo release from motherhood.   

I've also been planning my graduate courseload this fall, and I'm torn.  There are classes I want to take, but when I sit down to arrange childcare I feel this twinge of sadness that I'll be away from the girls.  In trying to have my cake and eat it too, I'm finding myself emotionally split. 

My husband reminded me yesterday that one day our daughters will be older, and rolling their eyes when I try to tell them a story about Cinderella making blueberry pie, and wanting to be in contact with their peers 24/7 instead of me...and I will miss these days when they are small, sweet dictators who need so much all the time.  He is right, and when he mentioned this my eyes involuntarily tear-ed up.  It could have been my hormones, but deep down I think it's because as hard as it is right now, it's exactly where I want to be.