yellow and white makes sweet vanilla
I’m trying to get my head around a somewhat troubling issue. Bear with me as I go into some backstory.
There’s a couple down the street who have a 2-year-old. My husband first met B one day when he was walking with his son down the street. He later met his wife N who was very hospitable and warm. In fact, he had seen them and spoke to them several times (for whatever reason I wasn’t there all these times). Each time he saw them they were very anxious to meet me, and spend some time hanging out together as families. Then, one night, they met me. It was literally a 3-minute exchange where we laid eyes on each other, were introduced, and that was all. I know there was not enough time for me to say or do anything inappropriate or offensive in this timeframe. Literally, after this meeting, when I ran into the wife she would ignore me, or act extremely strange around me. Both B & N are still friendly with my husband and daughter. When I have run into the wife (at the pool with our children) I have attempted to be friendly, however she will not even engage in courteous hello-how are you – goodbye. My husband has extended invitations for dinner or hang out, and they always say they have other plans (and never offer an alternative date). I do not have any concrete proof, but I suspect they are racist. I know, I know, how can I make this accusation without a verbal slur, without seeing a KKK flag, or without anything other than a strong hunch? I know because, sadly, I have experienced situations like this before.
Nacwolin wrote a thought-provoking post on racism last week, and it made me think about how racism I encounter these days tends to be quieter, understated, but present nonetheless. As I said in my comments to her post, I feel lucky living in California as I can often forget about color-lines and that I’m in an inter-racial marriage, with a multi-racial child. Huh! It’s funny to even write that because I don’t think of my husband and I this way. We simply are a man and a woman, in love and married. Period. But, this evening it dawned on me that this couple – or at least the wife – may see our relationship as a stark, color-divided union.
When I moved from California to Ohio, I expected a lot of adjustments – mostly weather and season related. The surprise adjustment was racism, or at very minimum the racial assumptions made about me. Again, it wasn’t outright antagonism with crosses burning on our lawn, it was subtle, but unmistakable. It was the feeling that I was an outsider, even before I had opened my mouth to speak or have an opportunity to express myself. It was difficult, and it made me angry. I’ll never forget one time at the Dayton Airport when my husband and I were flying home to California. My husband walked up to the woman who was checking ID’s. She chatted amiably with him, talking about the weather, barely glancing at his ID, and ultimately waving him thru with a smile. Her entire demeanor changed when I walked up. She picked up my ID, scrutinized it, examined my face, repeating this process several times. She finally handed back my ID, but didn’t smile. I wanted to shout, “I’m with that white guy you just waved thru!”
The aspect of this that I find most disturbing is the thought that my ethnicity may somehow negatively affect my daughter someday. She may at some point be judged because my blood is hers and some people think this is more important than her content or character (as awesome Dr.MLK has eloquently described). I realize that my thoughts on this subject may be ignorant in the sense that others do still experience racism on a less subtle scale. I should be grateful that what I have experienced probably hasn't cost me a job, a home, or worse - being mistaken for a criminal because I happen to fit a profile. I realize all this. I'm just tired of it. I wish it didn't exist. I find it completely idiotic.
Stepping off the soapbox now.
Comments
I am sorry, too, that you have to encounter such behaviour. Although I am surprised since they should have had a clue after seeing your beautiful daughter. People are such clods sometimes.
I am white but my maternal grandfather's lineage is Objiwa. I have seen what bigotry did to him.
I have also experienced a little bit of bigotry or reverse bigotry, whatever you want to call it, when we moved last time and were looking at places that had asian owners. They made us feel very unwanted. And my asian friends confirmed for me that a lot of asians won't rent to white people because they think white people are dirty.
Most of my friends are in inter-cultural marriages and its my hope that with so many multi-cultural children being born in this world that bigotry based on the colour of one's skin will one day be a thing of the past.
Unfortunately, I think there will always be bigots but people will always find something to be bigoted about: gender, age, sexual orientation, ability, IQ, EQ, income, job, location, etc. ::sigh::
I hope that as our society becomes more multi-cultural, that there are more inter-racial marriages, and the whole racist thing disappears. Unfortunately there will always be bigoted people in the world who see their race as superior, and wouldn't want to marry inter-racially. Mind you, it's not always a racist thing - I have a friend of Ugandan/Indian descent (one of the families that Idi Amin kicked out), and she would only want to marry an Indian. Similarly, I have a Jewish friend who would only want to marry a fellow Jew.
Maybe you should take heart that the neighbours are still friendly with your daughter - hopefully a common sense of decency will lead them not to take out their ignorance on a child.
I do find this situation unbelievable in this day and age though - and appalling, and heart breaking. I feel for you, being the object of such ignorance.
It’s true – racist does exist and probably won’t go away. Some people are set in their own ways. Or just don’t know any better.
I live in a neighborhood with a bunch of African American kids and maybe it’s cause their parent don’t have the time to teach them to respect others or they are just being kids. I had couple of them call me Chinese and it’s just uncalled for. I could stoop to their level and call them black. Maybe it would be a waste of my time to speak to their parents. I also have a feeling our neighbor doesn’t like us too much b/c we’re a mix couple. Oh well – we don’t care what they think. J
Wow --- I think like you, I'd try to come up with some other reason for their behavior but I think your conclusion is inescapable. How incredibly disappointing in this day and age.
In any event, at least they've made it clear that THEY aren't the sort of folks you're going to want to hang out with!
you don't wanna be friends w/ them anyway. i mean, do you want your little one hanging out w/ ppl like them?
Oh, Janette... If I were there, I would give you a big hug. I know exactly what you mean, and I know exactly how you feel.
One of the hardest things for me living in Central Florida is the lack of other Filipinos. My friend Jen is honestly my only Filipina friend, and without her, I truly believe I would go a little nuts. There is something to be said for being around someone who shares a similar familial history.
My husband's friends are delightfully normal and accepting of me. They always have been, and for that I'm incredibly grateful. But, oddly, the one wife who made me feel very uncomfortable about being a Filipina was a Filipina herself! She was married (yes, was - she and her husband later divorced) to one of my husband's friends (an absolute sweetheart of a man), and we were invited to Christmas parties at their house a few times. She decorated the living room with a number of photographs of family in the Philippines, so I asked her about them.
"Do you know where this was taken?" I asked. "It looks an awful lot like the neighborhood where my mother grew up!"
"Oh, that was in the Philippines," she snapped, as though I had just insulted her. "That's all I know."
Needless to say, I didn't try to converse with her anymore. Here, I was trying to begin a conversation based on a mutual interest (or, so I thought), only to be shunned because I was a Filipina, too! I later told my husband that I felt very sorry for her, that she feels ashamed of her heritage and has no interest in a very beautiful, rich national history.
My son and his cousins have only traces of Filipino features, as my sister married inter-racially, as well. I've told my friends since Baby C looks so little like me, I'm afraid I'll be mistaken for his nanny instead of his mother. So far it hasn't happened, and I'm really hoping it never does.
But for those parents who give me a second glance when they see me out with my husband and son, I can only smile in my smug satisfaction that my mixed baby is still cuter than their "pure-bred".
I hope that for your (and my) daughter's generation racism will be less of an issue. Places like Vancouver in Canada encourage this hope. In the next 20 years so-called visible minorities (Indians and south-east Asians) will be the majority of the city's population, there's not too much racial tension in the city (as far as I can tell), and today's school kids mingle in multi-cultural, multi-ethnic groups. It's not perfect, but it's progress.
I grew up in California and now I live in Minnesota. Both are concidered extremely liberal states where racism shouldn't be an issue because liberal states are supposed to have open minded people. I couldn't disagree more. It's an easy label to put out there to aviod the issue that racism is a problem in every state, city, and town in this country. Good post.
Ugh. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, Janette. It's like a slap in face, a reminder that intolerance is everywhere, when it's down your own street. Take comfort in the fact that the small-minded always lose--in this case, your neighbors are missing out on knowing what an awesome person you are. (With famous feet, no less!)
Hubby adding his two cents................I never knew what racism was becasue I was living in oblivion. The closest I came to anything was when a little Latina called me a Honky in grammer school. That being said, I now see the disgusting realism of racism within our society just as you discribe it, "quieter, understated, but present nonetheless". The fact that one of our neighbors has a "white pride" tatoo on his neck scares me because it shows the more glaringly obvious side of racism. They are uneducated and ignorant. Sadly, racism could be dealt with head on but due to it's "underground" nature it makes it difficult. In fact our "acceptance" to live and let live, a very Californian trait, helps to propagate the perception that it is acceptable. I have learned that even the simple "innocent jokes" maintain the acceptability. If they don't "get it" they don't deserve to be part of our wonderful lives.
I love you because you are a wonderful woman, fantastic mother to our beautiful baby girl, you are beautiful inside and out, intelligent, thoughtful, generous, talanted, unafraid to call out moral injustices, well grounded, organized, responsible, have a high sense of moral accountability and I could never imagine being with anyone but you.